The Lab Mice and Their Divergent Beliefs

Once, a colony of mice lived in the laboratory of a large, multi-national women's cosmetic company.The mice came in three different colors, white, grey, and brown, and, being alive, rather than noticing the commonalities that brought them together, they noticed differences that separated them, and they all started talking loudly about these differences, often at the same time.

One of the differences they noticed was that they all celebrated different things. The white mice celebrated Listmaus, the mouse day of lists, when mice made lists of various types and lengths and wrapped them around their Listmaus trees, hoping that someone would notice them and provide all the items listed there, or at least make a comment or two about them. The grey mice celebrated Chheesekkahh, which was a relatively minor holiday for the grey mice honoring the frying of blocks of cheese, even when there was not enough oil to properly fry the cheese, and how good the cheese tasted when fried. And, even though Chheesekkahh was a minor holiday for the grey mice, and even though no one, including the grey mice, knew how it was really spelled, a few marketing mice had picked up on the fact that it took place during the same time as Listmaus and they plugged the hell out of it, hoping to sell more T-shirts and trinkets. Finally, the brown mice celebrated Earadon, where they didn't eat any nuts, cheese, peanut butter, or even lick salt from sun-up to sundown, then binged like crazy until the sun came back up, all hoping that their loyalty would make their ears so much more prominent in comparison to their bulimic bodies.

The three colors of mice celebrated their respective holidays for a long time in relative peace, until one day, a particularly angry white mouse decided to stick the biggest Listmaus tree any mouse had ever seen right smack dab in the middle of the maze.

"What are you doing?" asked the brown mice, when they realized that they couldn't even get through the maze because the Listmaus tree was blocking all movement. They knew they had to get through before sun-up or else they couldn't eat the cheese that waited for them at the end.

"I'm putting up a Listmaus tree," said the angry white mouse. "Live with it."

"But we don't believe in Listmaus," said the brown mice, "And we can't get through the maze with that big thing there."

"Whatever," said the white mouse. "I have a right to celebrate how I want when I want, and you can't stop me."

"It is kinda huge," said the other white mice, "And it's blocking our way, too."

The angry white mouse turned on the other white mice. "What? I can't believe you! You are going to let these brown mice whine to the point that you give up your beliefs? You want them to destroy your Listmaus? You want them to chip away at it squeak by squeak?"

"No," said the other white mice, "In fact, we hate these crazy brown mice anyway." And, at that point, all the white mice began to join hands and start singing in front of the Listmaus tree about all of the stuff they hoped would be taken off their lists and rain down on them.

The grey mice listened to this and said, "What if you just move your tree out of the way, so that everyone can get through the maze?"

"What!" said the white mice. "This lab colony was founded on white mice values! And you just want to tear all of this down!"

"Here," said a mouse no one had noticed (because he wasn't actually a mouse, but a rat who worked for marketing disguised as a mouse in order to plant sales ideas virally), "Why don't we just put a piece of fried cheese down next to the Listmaus tree and celebrate Chheesekkahh over here in the dark corner, where you can also buy some Cchheesekkahhh cards and a few Chheeesekkah chocolates, all at a reasonable price, only in smaller quantities, because the total market is smaller."

The grey mice just rolled their eyes.

The brown mice, who were so hungry at this point that they ate the fried cheese, knowing that time was running out to get through the maze before sun-up, said, "That doesn't work. We don't want T-shirts and games. We just want to get through the maze before sun-up so we can celebrate Earadon."

The white mice answered, "And we just want to have the right to enjoy Listmaus wherever we want, in the way that is important to us."

"And the grey mice just want to have the right to celebrate Chhheesekkkahh as they traditionally have for thousands of years," said the marketing rat, "With flashing lights and wrapping paper."

"Actually, we have already celebrated it," said the grey mice, who, used to roadblocks, were looking for an alternate route through the maze that didn't involve pushing past the huge Listmaus tree. But nobody heard them.

"Listmaus!" said the white mice.

"Earadon!" said the brown mice.

"Chhheessekkkahhh!" said the marketing rat.

"LISTMAUS!" yelled the white mice as loud as they could, shaking the Listmaus tree until lists rained down over the entire maze.

"EARADON!" screamed the brown mice, tearing the lists to pieces and eating them in hunger.

"CCHHHHEEESSSEKKKKKAHHHH!" said the marketing rat, who, without his focus groups of hip and edgy grey mice, was not quite sure how to spell it, but sure that there was a market out there for Chheesekkahh cards if only he could get the narrative right.

"LISTMAUS!"

"EARADON!"

"CHHHEEESSEEEKKAHHAHHHAKKAHHAH!"

"LISTMAUS!"

"EARADON!"

"CCCCCHHHEEESEEEEKKKAAAAA-"

And, it was at that moment that a scientist in the lab flooded the entire mouse colony with gallons and gallons of boiling hairspray in order to determine the effects of super-heated hairspray on flesh, killing every mouse of every color in the most painful and gruesome way imaginable, no matter what holiday they celebrated.

Moral: Warning: product is flammable. If heated product come in contact with skin, rinse with cold water, use pressure to stop bleeding, apply ice to welts or swollen areas, and contact your physician immediately. In severe cases, contact local emergency services. Do not ingest heated product. The manufacturer does not recommend heating product and denies all responsibility if product is used in a manner not directed as labeled.