The Ducks and the Chickens Who Disagreed

Once, there was a group of Chickens who needed a place to lay their eggs. The Chickens decided to build a new chicken coop, and they thought they found the perfect place, just around the corner from the duck pond. The Pond Zoning Commission decided everything was acceptable, there were no other issues from a legal standpoint and, once the endless study of whether or not that edge of the duck pond was protected wetland finally came to a conclusion (and, to keep everyone happy (or, perhaps, unhappy), it was decided that it was protected wetland, but also fell under a duck pond grandfather clause that allowed chicken coops to be built there, anyhow), then the Chickens proceeded to draw up plans for their new coop.

"Wait a quack quack quackin' minute, here," said the Ducks, when they realized that the Chickens were about to build a chicken coop on the edge of the duck pond. "Excuse me, Chickens, but we don't know who you think you are! This is a DUCK pond, not a CHICKEN pond! You can't build a chicken coop on the edge of a duck pond! This pond has a long and proud history of being a duck pond. In fact, it was founded by ducks, at least after we chased the herons out! This pond has duck values! The children come to the pond to throw bread because of the ducks! It is the ducks that have made this pond great! Now, suddenly, all it takes is for you guys to start waving your peckers around and you turn it into a CHICKEN pond?! Who's the real power behind this pond grab?"

The Chickens turned their heads quickly side to side and scraped their feet in their dirt. "Ain't no one here but us Chickens, Ducks. And we're coming home to roost! We're just trying to build a chicken coop, not take over your flappin' pond! You guys go south for the winter, anyhow, while we're stuck up here, unable to fly with our puny little wings. Don't we at least deserve somewhere to lay during the cold months? This chicken coop has been approved by the Pond Commission, and, unlike you Ducks, who always want to put everything on your bills, we're paying for the construction in cash, which isn't chicken scratch and will help the pond economy. You don't have to be so fowl- it's not like we declared it duck season! We just want to build a crowin' chicken coop, you bunch of silly geese! Don't get your feathers so ruffled!"

"GEESE!" gasped the Ducks. "The nerve of you dumb clucks! The only way you cocks should even be around our duck pond is extra crispy in a bucket! Well, you might have been approved by the Pond Commission, but we're not about to run around here like a chicken with its head cut off! We'll take our case to the residents of the pond, and then you'll see that building in duck territory is not everything it is quacked up to be!"

With that, the Ducks began to squawk on quack radio, spreading the word as to what an outrage it was to build a chicken coop on the edge of a duck pond, and how out of touch with pond values the Pond Zoning Commission was anyway (not to mention the fact that the stupid wetland study was a waste of taxpayer money). And, pretty soon, the issue of the chicken coop began to take up time from real news and get other pond residents upset. The Dragonflies were buzzing about it. The Frogs thought they'd croak before they ever saw a chicken coop built on a duck pond. The Beavers said, "Dam!" The Mosquito's blood began to boil. Even the Fish began to carp and throw barbs from their underwater perches as their anger bubbled to the surface.

The Chickens, not knowing what else to do, began to pray. "Dear Chicken God, please help us to cover these obnoxious Ducks in orange sauce and serve them up with a side of potatoes so that we may build our chicken coop. Are these ducks blind or have they just quacked up?"

The Ducks, who figured the Chickens were praying, also began to pray, but did it even louder. "Dear Duck God, please deliver these Chickens to the great Colonel Saunders so that he may bread and fry them and offer them up as Tuesday dinner special, or, even better, humiliate them by shoving bacon and cheese between their breasts. We would be egg-static if you would listen to our cries egg-hen!"

Knowing that the Ducks were praying, the Chickens tried to pray louder still, practically crowing at the top of their combs. "Dear Chicken God, please allow an oil company to begin to deep water drill in this duck pond, so that the pond becomes so polluted with oil spill that the Ducks have no choice but to change their names to "Foie gras" and "Pate". We have had to listen to their stupid Duck calls and know that they are really nothing but a bunch of loons!"

And the Ducks, who had had a lot of practice being shrill on quack radio, started to honk and quack so loud that even the bullfrogs decided to move to another pond to get away from it. "Dear Duck God, please, please knock the nuggets off of these Foghorn Leghorn wannabes so that they understand we are not just playing chicken here, but intend to duck and cover while using all of our resources, including the World Wide Webbed-feet, to fight this Chicken menace! We do not want to hear a single peep out of these pointy-beaked chicks!"

Finally, God, sick to death of all the clucking and quacking and crowing and squawking, not to mention the bad puns, sent a Crane down to the pond. Immediately, the Crane began to eat all of the crazy Chickens and angry Ducks, scooping them up in his bill and swallowing them whole, even without any dipping sauce.

"WAIT!" cried the Chickens, as they were gulped up by the Crane. "What is going on here? We didn't even know that a crane would eat other birds! All we wanted was for the Ducks to be gone from the pond, and now we're all being swallowed alive?"

"That's right!" screamed the Ducks, as they disappeared down the Crane's beak and into his swelling belly. "Cranes eat frogs, not Ducks and Chickens! This is ridiculous! Besides, we asked for help in getting rid of these Chickens, and, instead, this is what happens? Now we're up the creek without our paddle!"

But God just smiled and the Crane continued eating until every Duck and every Chicken was gone from the pond and the place returned to some sense of quiet and normalcy. (Well, except for the Crane, who had a terrible stomach ache after eating two entire populations and spent the next three days vomiting and having diarrhea.)

Moral: Don't complain about a zoning issue to a vengeful and mysterious God.