The Nightingale Who Went to Rehab and Learned Her Lesson, According to Her Publicist

Once, there was a Nightingale who was relatively talented, at least talented enough to be noticed, especially when she was put up for sale by her mother, who was a squid, and her father, who was part boar, part bacteria (there is very little regards to genetics in fables). The Nightingale was attractive in an underage, nightingale way, and she could sing, and she could act in varying degrees. So the Nightingale began steady work in the entertainment industry, taking appropriate roles in various youth-oriented productions and rapidly becoming one of the more popular animals in the animal kingdom.

However, the animal kingdom being full-up of animals, the success of this Nightingale began to attract hyenas from various dark corners of the entertainment industry. This was especially disturbing because, while most animals would have sensible and caring parents to look out after them, this Nightingale had a squid and a boar-bacteria hybrid as her parents, and they were more than willing to overlook the nefarious activities of the assorted hyenas in exchange for continued cash and consistent employment for their Nightingale daughter.

"Here..." purred the hyenas, "Try some of this good stuff. It will help you work longer and harder and louder and better..."

And the Nightingale, who had only a squid and a boar-bacteria hybrid for role models, and who had been working since she was just out of the egg, answered, "Okay."

"Here..." laughed the hyenas, "Stay out all night at these various hyena clubs, entertaining all of us hyenas with your hilarious misadventures and drunken antics."

And the Nightingale, with a suspicious line of white powder under her beak, answered, "It's hot in here," before she fell on her tail feathers, much to the delight of the hyenas, who laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

"Hey," laughed the hyenas, "Aren't you a wild and crazy lesbian?"

"I just want someone to love me..." the Nightingale cried, tears rolling down her face.

"HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA!" laughed the hyenas, "YOU'RE THE BEST!"

"Blllgrfgrflrftzzzzz," answered the Nightingale, totally forgetting the wholesome family entertainment that had been paying her bills.


"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the hyenas, "YOU ARE TOO FUNNY!"

Smelling the stink of career death (plus the fact that the Nightingale was pretty darn close enough to legal age at this point--at least close enough for the Internet), the Nightingale's antics began to attract vultures and, being vultures, of course they had cameras. Whenever the Nightingale tried to get in or out of a car, the vultures swooped in with their cameras, hoping to get pictures of the Nightingale flashing her tail, or, at least, pictures of the Nightingale falling down stairs. The Nightingale obliged by never wearing underwear (which, to be honest, most birds do not, outside of those little parakeets that old ladies have as pets and stone geese on the front porches of hillbillies) and falling down frequently.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" her hyena friends laughed, "YOU ARE A SUPA-STAR!"

After all of these antics, the Nightingale began to feel invincible and actually believe the hyenas that surrounded her. "I am so funny," she would say (only it came out like, "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaahhurbldur"). "I am a supa-star!"

"YES" laughed the hyenas, even though both the Nightengale and this fable had long stopped being funny, "KEEP GOING! YOU ARE OUR FAV!" and, the whole time, the vultures continued to smoke cigarettes and snap pictures of the entire mess. And, of course, this was not a recipe for successful and healthy living. One evening (and it didn't really matter which evening for the Nightingale, since they were all the same at this point), the Nightengale tried to fly from a party to an after-party and, instead, flew into several cars, two walls, a parking meter, some trees, and a baby seal who was trying to cross the street and gain safe-haven in a seal orphanage. The Nightengale was promptly arrested and, thinking that the jail was the after-party, began to dance around and throw her hands in the air. The police, unimpressed, slapped a tiny little ankle bracelet around her bird-foot. "This will tell us if you have been drinking or taking drugs," said the police. "If you don't drink and do drugs, then you can continue to be free. If you do drink and do drugs, we will throw you into a birdcage."

"WOOT WOOT!" said the Nightengale.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the hyenas.

And the vultures took pictures of the whole thing.

Of course, immediately upon her release, the Nightengale began to drink and do drugs, and, as promised, her ankle bracelet began to beep. The police showed up to arrest her.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the hyenas.

And the vultures continued to take pictures.

The Nightengale was taken to court and given a chance to explain herself to the stork judge, but, of course, the Nightengale was in little condition to explain much of anything, and, unfortunately, she didn't look around to see that her hyena friends, being powerful afraid of both law enforcement and people who do things like have jobs, were nowhere to be found in the courtroom.

"Why do you continue to drink and take drugs?" asked the stork judge.

"PAAAAAAAAAR-TAY!" yelled the Nightengale. Only no one laughed and, instead, everyone in the courtroom and watching on TV clacked their beaks in disapproval.

"Why do you continue to put yourself and others at risk?" asked the stork judge.

"I'M A SUPA-STAR!" screamed the Nightengale. And, when, again, due to the overall lack of hyenas, no one laughed but, instead, clicked and clacked their beaks in disapproval, the Nightengale turned around and yelled, "F--- YOU!" to all the other birds in the courtroom (as well as those watching at home on TV).

In response to concern over their daughter's welfare (and, by "welfare", your humble author means "income), the Nightingale's parents suddenly showed back up (Remember them? Well, neither did the Nightengale). "Please have mercy on my baby!" sobbed the squid mother with big, blubbery calamari tears, "Please! Please, show compassion! I only have one more with any kind of earning potential! Take pity!"

"Yeah!" snarled the boar-bacteria hybrid father, who was too busy taking nude pictures of drugged women and playing bit parts in infomercials to actually show up in person and, therefore, came to court via a cell phone message, "INJUSTICE! INEQUITY! FREE THE NIGHTINGALE!"

(In a brief aside, it should also be noted that the peas and the corn from the classic fable, "The Peas, the Corn, the Fish Stick, the 2-Liter of delicious Coca-Cola, and the Invisible Hand of Free Market Industry" became aware of the antics taking place on the opposite side of the animal kingdom and, attempting to respond to their own mess of spilling yet delicious Coca-Cola, began to yell, "Hey! You! Look over there! Look at that! Don't look at us, but look over there! That's way cooler!" And, sadly, that's exactly what most of the animal kingdom did.)

The Nightengale, who was now laughing like a hyena herself, turned around and yelled to her parents, "F--- YOU, TOO!" Then, she shook her hips and yelled to the courtroom, "PARTY ON! WOOT WOOT!" Then, she laughed hysterically and, when finished, began to sob uncontrollably and pound her head on the table while her lawyers struggled to write a statement explaining how much she had learned from this difficult experience and how much charitable singing she was going to do to show true repentance.

The stork judge, sick to death of both this behavior and this fable, decided to put an end to the whole mess by ordering the Nightengale to be thrown into a cage. "It's okay," said the pig guards, patting her head as they led the Nightengale away (they were admirers of her various family films, which allowed them to keep their kids quietly entertained while they could stare at her boobs), "We'll hide you away from all the hideous riff-raff in the cage and, due to overcrowding in our cage by all the hideous riff-raff who don't contribute to society like you do, we'll let you out in five minutes anyhow."

"ROCK OUT LOUD!" the Nightengale shouted, pumping her fists, "QUAAAAAAAAAA!" And she fell over, waving her tail in the air.

And the vultures continued to take pictures of the whole thing.

Moral: Your high-school English teacher was right; stories where there are no protagonists suck.